I had one option: drink a modern one Yellowstone-branded coffee.
Usually when I go to the grocery store I just buy ground coffee. My usual choices are: Cafe Bustelo, Lavazza and Brooklyn’s Own. Great coffee! But none of them have a gigantic honkin’ Yellowstone logo on the bag. This is what you get when you choose “Bunkhouse”, a medium roast coffee Yellowstone coffee that I imagine Rip and the boys wake up to before they start rounding up cattle at dawn. Bunkhouse is a customary — how do I say it? — coffee-flavored coffee. It’s the one that famously inspired arguments by Denis Leary. Bold, reliable, and certainly John Dutton-approved. Sure, I’ll drink almost anything that says “coffee” on it. But in the morning I need the real thing. No flavor, no milk, no sugar – just black coffee and the caffeine high it so generously gives. I’m sure Bunkhouse is good with a dash of whiskey, too. This is what you need, as the package says, to “start every day Dutton style.” (Which is, more often than not, a questionable goal.)
Oh, but the bag has more inspiring yee-haws. “Life on the Dutton Ranch takes a handful of determination and a cowboy spirit!” the bag reads. “Whether you’re watching the sun rise over the gigantic Montana sky, defending what’s worth protecting, or simply heading to the rodeo, this bold and polished blend is your go-to for everyday adventures… and all the ups and downs of life.” I can sit at a desk all day and work in a gigantic Fresh York skyscraper, but now, dear reader? I do it like a damn cowboy.
There’s also a airy roasted coffee with a caramel oatmeal flavor, but I just can’t imagine any characters on it. Yellowstone Who I would drink this. Open the bag and petite bit and your kitchen will smell like a Dunkin’ Donuts barista who pumped up every flavor option full blast. Hell, you can smell it in your ears. (Does that make sense? Or Yellowstone (is the coffee making me intoxicated?) I can’t recommend the Caramel Oatmeal in good conscience. I wouldn’t wish it on John Dutton of Market Equities’ worst enemies. Beth wouldn’t even drink it! In fact, she was quoted as saying, “Do I look like I need a cup of coffee?” right next to that damn bag.
Paramount also plans to release a line of steak marinades, seasonings, and “meat snacks.” Meat snacks!
Fresh Yellowstone food and beverage line collaborates with chef Gabriel “Gator” Guilbeau, who is also the Dutton family’s on-screen chef and head of craft services Yellowstone. “I’m thrilled to be a part of the launch and beyond as an ambassador for this modern line,” Gator said in a press release.Yellowstone has a unique culinary perspective with real Western cuisine and I am excited to share it with our fans.” Partnership with FoodStory Brands, Paramount also plans to launch Angus beef chili, steak seasoning and marinade, Stampede Meats bacon breakfast sausages and Oberto’s Cattleman’s Cut “meat snacks” at Walmart, Kroger, Amazon, H-E-B, Safeway and Albertsons.
I hope “meat snacks” means jerky, because the term “meat snacks” scares me. Is this normal at Dutton Ranch? One meat snack, as a treat? Maybe if I drink more Bunkhouse, I’ll reach Dutton nirvana and fully understand the cowboy lifestyle. Regardless, I’m ready for this coffee to transform me into Josh Dutton, who’ll start talking out of the corner of my mouth, lasso my editor, and drop him off at the train station. I have a full three feet of desk space that needs to be secured like my family’s generational legacy depends on it. Watch out, world.
