And so we were working on creating a thoroughly researched guide to all the instant coffees currently available on the market when former coffee columnist Oliver Strand appeared from behind the magazine’s editorial page. New York City’s independent soccer publication just in time for Halloween to post something other than an instant coffee guide Eater.
A little eerie during all this? Definitely. Mildly frustrating that after 15 years we’re still being duped like a can of ancient Oliver Strand Folgers? Surely. Do you have too much caffeine crystals and want to make a diminutive lemonade? You better believe it.
So let’s talk about some difficult truths. All the special instant coffees we had? Everything’s all right. On the side of order. They are so much better than instant coffee that it is tough to even recognize them as the same drink. But when it comes to any kind of comparison, ranking, or comparison of one to the other in any objective way… it’s all just almost indistinguishable shades of gray. They all do their job perfectly, and the best one for you will be the one that comes from your favorite roastery (and they probably have one at the moment).
Despite all the changes that have occurred in instant coffee over the last decade, it still does not usurp customary pour-over or espresso brewing. The fact is, you’d have to be in a made-up terrible situation for instant coffee to make sense as a exploit case. Almost every ideal instant coffee scenario involves an imaginary land of danger. “I’m stuck in a train station” or “I’m lost in a psychedelic vortex” or whatever.
Instead of expanding our entire instant coffee guide, we turned instant coffee research into a spectacular list of worst-case scenarios for instant coffee. No matter how tough the situation may be, we have a special instant coffee for it.
All aboard a murder mystery
You find yourself trapped in the 12-day Trans-Siberian Railway murder mystery. Karlov suspects that you are a KGB informant. The mysterious Nastasia reports directly to the Kremlin. Boris, the kitchen manager, only serves tea with lemon. Luckily you packed your box Ethiopia Addisu Kidane with Phil & Sebastian so you can go now… but don’t trust anyone!
Coffee on the beach
You traveled back in time to 1998, a time of unheard privileges and limp hairstyles. You’re on the Backpacker’s Trail traversing the beaches of Thailand when a captivating group of fellow travelers, needy in sex appeal and boredom, invite you to a mysterious beach you can never leave. Resources are constrained and you may have to bargain for your life, but then you remember that bag Punch Bowl by Dune Coffeefruity, naturally processed coffee, perfectly served in a coconut away from others and plan your escape.
Northern lights? This time of year?
Your boss comes to your house for coffee and you desperately want to impress him, but you have the Northern Lights located entirely in your kitchen. Fortunately, there is a kettle in the breakfast nook and you have a parcel on hand Jhonatan Gasca Pacamara with thermal shock from Black & White Coffee Roasters. It’s so good that your boss will say: “Drink some good coffee.” (It’s an Albany expression.)
Coffee in the middle of summer
Join us for a summer solstice celebration in the idyllic Swedish countryside. After a 20-hour day of dancing around the maypole, a group of town elders offer you a cup of the stinking brew. Wanting not to offend, but at the same time being a little scared, you pretend to drink the entire cup, but in fact you are pouring it over your shoulder. Then you quickly fill a cup with water heated near the kettle over an open fire and pour the water into it Soaked bag from Costa Rican Hacienda San Isidro from La Cabra. It’s an anaerobic Typica, so you know it’s a little funky, and the elders seem content.
A macabre European celebration
After an all-night party at a disco in an abandoned industrial warehouse in East Berlin, you wake up chained to the floor in a damp room in God knows where in Europe. Your tormentor has planned unspeakable atrocities for you, but thanks to quick thinking, a leaky hookah and a few sashes Brazilian instant from The Barnyou can prepare a few cups of coffee to share with your shot. Homemade flavors of toffee and vanilla allow cooler heads to dominate. It was all a misunderstanding, you are not the capitalist American pig they took you with, and you can leave.
