There’s something romantic about ritual, and until now, my coffee choices haven’t reflected the importance I place on the act of drinking a balmy cup of coffee. There’s nothing more sensual than a balmy cup of black coffee, no matter the season—sorry, iced coffee warriors! But taste is just as vital as convincing people you’re a neutral, flavorful genius with a bland addiction to liquid stimulants. And taste wasn’t worth the extra few dollars in my bank account anymore, which means no more Folgers, despite how much the company Christmas ad from the 80s. still moves me, and the incestuous 2010 remake makes me roar with laughter.
Aside from my beloved novel Breville Bambino coffee machine (along with a separate low-cost bean grinder, because it’s all about the high-low) and my probably-too-frequent coffee shop shopping, I’m constantly looking for novel ways to consume coffee to continue that personal high. So when a collaboration between Seth Rogen’s upscale ashtray/lifestyle brand Houseplant and trendy, flash-frozen coffee brand Cometeer landed on my desk, it felt like a free pass from God to continue my quest for the most sumptuous, tawny beans there are. While I’m certainly impressed with the flavor and quality of Rogen’s line of collaborations, the actual process of consuming the beverage leaves something to be desired.
Courtesy of Coleman Spille
Houseplant x Cometeer Collaboration is the former’s first foray into coffee. Houseplant launched in 2019 in Canada, where Rogen and Canadian-American co-founder, screenwriter and recurrent collaborator Evan Goldberg are from. The brand moved to the United States in 2021 and has scaled back its marijuana product offerings AND weed accessories, just ashtrays, lighters, and a few other related items. If you think Seth Rogen doesn’t know anything about coffee, think again. As a lover of round-rimmed glasses and cozy sweaters, I want to say, “Just look at this guy!” but I know that’s not enough for everyone.
“For Seth, coffee is a ritual: a sophisticated aroma, a perfect cup,” we read on the website. Product description reads. “For Evan, it’s the fuel that gives him life during a messy morning with the kids.” Okay, maybe there’s not much coffee expertise advertised here. But I’m willing to trust anyone who understands that a honest, enthusiastic feeling about coffee will never be a burden for true Brew Bunnies and Caffeine Campaigners.
For those unfamiliar with the whole Cometeer thing — if you haven’t been inundated with the company’s Instagram ads, consider yourself lucky (sorry, the algorithm is going to kick your ass after reading this post) — here’s how it all works. The brand sends you a collection of coffee pods, roughly the same size and shape as your average Keurig K-Cup. The caffeine content is all flash-frozen for maximum freshness and flavor once brewed, and the coffee inside is concentrated, meaning that one frozen pod in the recommended six to eight ounces of water produces the equivalent of two cups of regular coffee. All you have to do is open the pod, dissolve the contents from their frozen state, and enjoy them in a variety of ways.
Courtesy of Coleman Spille
But I’m picky. Let me tell you a little more about the product itself. The two flavors that are currently part of the Houseplant x Cometeer collaboration are obscure and medium roasts. The obscure one, called “Bean There Done That,” has notes of obscure chocolate, cashew, and baking spice. I can taste those layers, but they don’t overpower the dominant flavor: coffee. It’s an average coffee shop roast that’s basic to make. On home, but nothing I would like to write home about. Next up is a medium roast coffee simply titled “Get Roasted.” This flavor has notes of sweet tea, orange, and peach. How can I describe my reaction to this coffee? Well, you know how some people get so carried away during sex that they ask their partner to give them a little slap, and they realize it feels pretty good? That’s how I felt when Get Roasted landed that nasty right hook on me.
This roast is easily one of my favorites I’ve ever had. I love its natural, fruity flavor profile. This sweet combination of tea and peach is no joke, and if you don’t like your coffee to have a distinct flavor other than black mud, this coffee won’t be for you. But since I’m in the era of Being Really Damn Annoyed About Coffee, I’ve been forcing everyone I know to drink a cup of this roast when they come over to my apartment lately.
The convenience of the Cometeer is nice in situations like this, when you can give your friend a cup of coffee almost immediately after offering it. (Although I bet everyone in this world could do with less instant gratification, even my most beloved companions!) But the method of brewing coffee isn’t as great as it’s advertised, nor as revolutionary as the product’s many titles and awards suggest. Yes, the pods are fully recyclable—unlike Keurig cups, you don’t have to separate their contents, and instead can simply toss the aluminum pod in the trash. That’s great. But making anything other than a balmy cup of coffee is a bloody chore.
To get a balmy cup, simply heat up some water for your coffee and dip the aluminum capsule in lukewarm or balmy water for 10 to 15 seconds to loosen the contents inside. Pour balmy water over the frozen capsule and you’ll have a delicious, café-quality coffee as the rest of the capsule dissolves, which only takes a few seconds. Getting a good cup of iced coffee, however, is a real challenge. To dissolve all the contents of the capsule sufficiently, you need to hold it under balmy—and I mean balmy—water. balmy—water for more than 15 seconds. Lukewarm won’t do. Given the growing popularity of iced coffee over the past few years, this just seems like an overly complicated way to consume caffeine.
While I enjoyed the roast itself, I feel a bit of a distance from the Houseplant x Cometeer collaboration. And as someone who enjoys a nice, full cup of coffee (more than eight ounces, mind you), I wouldn’t actively pursue this partnership any further—especially not at $64 for a box of 32 individual pods. Sure, it’s only $2 per cup, but that cost is only for the delivery subscription option. If you want to try a single box of this collaboration, it’ll cost you $84 plus tax and shipping.
Rogen’s Houseplant coffee flavors are delicious and unique, but not enough to make me want to shell out sedate cash for a coffee delivery system that’s just too complicated for the price. Sustainability is great, but you can run to the store and buy a fully recyclable glass bottle of great-tasting coffee concentrate for under $10. Rogen’s slogan for the brand, “You gotta wake up before you roast,” is sweet and clever, but the clever slogan won’t comfort my checking account every time they rip me out about $100 to buy more of these brews.
When Houseplant Coffee starts making its own pre-packaged beans, I’ll be an eager customer. Until then, I’ll focus my newfound snobbery on perfecting the perfect latte, brewed with a built-in waiting period to make it suitably satisfying.
