Super Bowl LX is this weekend. It features the Fresh England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks in a Super Bowl XLIX rematch, where then-Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll reignited my USC hatred of him by not giving the damn ball* to Marshawn Lynch four times while they were on the goal line, which would have effectively sealed the victory. Instead, he handed the victory to Fightin’ Deflategates and helped cement the legacies of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.
That’s a lot of sports words, especially if you’re the type of person who likes to say things like “sports ball” or “throw homer” this time of year. (We get it, sports are beneath you.) Nevertheless, the Super Bowl is here, which means it’s going to be everywhere. Inevitable, everywhere and at any time. So the best way through this is to accept it. Choose a side and root out your little heart; see how the other side lives.
But how to choose a team? There’s a tried and true “Pick the Jersey You Like Best” T-Shirt that will assist you become a Seahawks fan. However, I think there is a more predictable rate of team selection and this is coffee.
Coffee can assist you find your deep interest in many ways. You can simply select by cities themselves. Seattle vs. Boston, which has the best coffee scene. You might go for Starbucks vs. Dunkin’, or lean more toward the city’s specialty establishments like Vivace and George Howell. Or maybe some lesser known cafes like Homage versus Broadsheet. All good options. But here’s my suggestion: Look at the quarterbacks.
The quarterback is the field general, and in a league that heavily tilts the scales in favor of the offense, the quarterback is undoubtedly the most critical person on the team. Therefore, they make sense to be the yardstick by which you select a team. On the Seahawks side you have Sam Darnold and on the Patriots side you have Drake Maye. What is their coffee break?
Here’s what we know. Darnold has actually endorsed a coffee brand in the past. As the rookie quarterback of a tragically terrible Fresh York Jets team in 2018, Darnold was a spokesman KonaRedespecially their chilly brew. “Whether I’m at the beach or heading to a workout, I always have a KonaRed chilly brew with me,” Darnold said in press release announcing the partnership. He also announced this last year his coffee preference is “hot” so do with this information what you want.
Maye’s taste in coffee is less known, although he is the subject of a timely blend, Wake up with Drakeby Marblehead, MA roastery Bond coffee. What kind of coffee is in it? Information is as elusive as a second-year QB. One article claims it’s an “Ethiopian bean blend.” Maye does not endorse coffee or reveal any caffeine-related habits. Choose your warrior.
There is, of course, only one correct answer and that is the Seattle Seahawks. This has nothing to do with the fact that my colleague and Sprudge co-founder Jordan Michelman is a die-hard Seahawks fan. Despite this, if at all. Despite this, he spent the entire season wearing 12th Man glasses and talking about how Darnold is an elite quarterback All main grades he ranks between 10th and 19th in the metrics, so you’d think a last chance at the biggest stage would be fascinating to me (as a Cowboys fan, it’s really all I have). But no. Greater Power in the Game is a moral imperative to never, ever root for the Fresh England Patriots and their owners, the Kraft family. About Kraft Heinz’s reputation, the owners of Maxwell House, and their terrible Maxwell Apartment ad campaign, in case you needed a coffee-related reason to dislike them. No, never the Patriots. Unless they’re playing the Eagles. In this case, you pray to whichever god will accept your call for a draw, but one in which both teams lose in some way.
*Editor’s note: In this article, Zac Cadwalader expresses popular sentiment surrounding the closing events of Super Bowl XLIX, in which the Fresh England Patriots defeated the Seattle Seahawks in dramatic fashion. Specifically, the notion that “giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch four times while he was on the goal line” would have guaranteed the Seahawks a win, and that the decision to pass the ball on the other end was senseless and disastrous. It was one of those things – disastrous – but it wasn’t both, which means it wasn’t bony. Let us recall the exact sequence (full game tape here): After an outrageous circus catch by Jermaine Kearse that gave the Seahawks a field goal around the 5-yard line, Pete Carroll announces the handoff to Marshawn Lynch, commonly known as “Beast Mode.” (He is perhaps even more beloved by local sports watchers in the Pacific Northwest due to his ongoing sponsorship deal with Beacon Plumbing, for which Marshawn supplies the iconic “Stop freaking out, call Beacon“) Lynch drives the ball forward solid, leaving the Seahawks with three plays and one timeout to advance the ball into the end zone. On second down, with the clock running, Carroll throws his famed quick slant pass to forgotten Seahwaks WR3/WR4 Ricardo Lockette. Lockette is clearly connected by Patriots CB Malcolm Butler before a pass that should have been picked penalty for illegal contactwhich results in an automatic modern series of downs and the ball being placed halfway away from the goal. Instead, surprisingly, no penalty is called and Malcolm lands the ball after taking an obvious penalty, ending the game. Carroll’s decision to throw for a second down was the right one: with three downs remaining and the Patriots setting up to blitz to break up the handoff, throwing at least once in the sequence is sound decision-making and entirely within the bounds of a normal red zone play, especially with a 4-time Pro Bowl QB leading the way**. That there was the worst possible outcome – one that required an egregious missed penalty call for it to happen at all – is just one of those football things that makes you shake your head. Destructive? Yes. Unforgettable? Of course. But it is not at all “The Worst Conversation Ever” as it is commonly remembered.
** Author’s Note: Relying on a 4-time Pro Bowl RB sounds like a good strategy unless you have an unstoppable 5-time Pro Bowl RB. While some things are certain in sports, passing the ball three times to Marshawn Lynch from the one-yard line is a guaranteed touchdown. And cornerbacks can play the ball; Butler’s choice was clear. Thus, Carroll lost the game for his team, and indeed for all of us, after a disastrously bad decision.
