2024 was the Year of Coffee in Pop Music. It started with Sabrina Carpenter’s ubiquitous earworm, Espresso, which, honestly, is still a high rating. Then there was Chappell Roan’s Coffee – although technically released last year, it inevitably only broke into the mainstream after the release of Sabrina. (People needed another dose of coffee and can you blame them?) Now it was JoJo Siwa’s turn. The Dance Moms star-turned-Nickelodeon actor-turned-adult pop singer has released her latest single: Iced coffeeand it’s sheltered to say that the coffee trend in pop music has been put to rest once and for all.
As reported Pink newsthe fresh song was released on Friday, November 22, and has already caused quite a stir, which is not bad for the brand (or rather rebranding) for Siwa in 2024. Wanting to shake off her child actor image, Siwa released a handful of singles with not-so-subtly suggestive lyrics and a fresh look reminiscent of a Rainbow-Brite-i-kiss concert. She then said she wanted to “start a fresh genre of music” known as “gay pop”, which passed as good as you can expect that would be it. (She later clarified that “I’m not the inventor of gay pop… I may not be the president, but I can be the CEO.”)
Which brings us to this Iced coffee. That’s two minutes of high fructose corn syrup, about as sweet as it gets. I’m not particularly qualified to judge its merits as a pop number, but as a coffee journalist I’m in a unique position to be able to critically evaluate these lyrics. And whew.
Pink News highlights two that attract the most attention:
“French pressed to my chest, oh, oui, oui,” the song begins, then: “Like the way you grind my beans.”
Not subtle, sure, but okay. The only thing I can’t stand here is the misuse of coffee utensils. French press? In a song titled Iced Coffee? In my time, I have never heard of people making iced coffee using a French press. This metaphor is more blended than the old-school Italian espresso blend. I guess you could make a French press and then pour it over ice and call it iced coffee, but the principle behind this particular style of drink is that it is brewed over ice. I’m not sure what you’d call it, but I know for sure it’s not iced coffee.
Now let’s move on to the elefante variation in the room. No, I don’t like the way you grind my beans. While most may be outraged by the embarrassing description of a rounded second base, it is a greater sin to call a coffee cherry seed a “bean.” It is and always has been a seed. Technically half a seed, unless it’s a peach. (By the way, Peaberry would be a much better allusion: “Like the way you grind my Peaberry.”)
I also don’t like what appears to be an AI-generated cover, but that’s less because of the coffee and more because of the technology that’s killing the art of it all.
If there is any hope, it is that Iced Coffee will discourage people from using the term “bean” again and dismantle one of society’s most deeply entrenched misnomers so that we can rebuild something closer to correct in its place. Coffee is not and never has been a bean. Deal with it. And if one Jojo Siwa can be the unexpected cause of this long-overdue change in coffee nomenclature, she truly will be our Queen of Iced Coffee, our Inventor of Seeds, our President of Coffee, our CCO, and every other honorary title available, because it was Jojo Siwa who killed the almighty bean.
